Tuesday night was hard. It had been a great day and a fun evening, but when I got into bed and turned out the lights, fear paralyzed me. I heard noises that made me jump and creaks across the wooden floors that terrified me. I got up, left my room, and balled up on the living room coach. The tears were flowing and I didn't try to stop them. I opened my Bible to none other than Romans. I began Romans chapter 1 and got to verse 9. It reads, "God whom I serve with my whole heart..." I had it underlined because I thought I meant it. I thought I could serve God with my whole heart. But could I serve Him willing to give up the people that made up a large part of my life and who were in my heart? My life was scarred when Dad died because it felt like a chunk of my heart had been ripped out with his death. If God would take my dad, what else would He take? And more than that, could I trust Him again? Multiple times in the Bible, Jesus says, "Fear not..." 1 John 4:18 says, "There is no fear in love. But perfect love drives out fear, because fear has to do with punishment. The one who fears is not made perfect in love." I believe that love and trust go hand in hand, and fear is their opposite. That night, as I crawled into my Mom's arms, pieces of that verse played over in my mind. Yes, I loved God. Yes, I wanted to trust Him again. Even if it means that I lose everything I love. Why? Why trust the one who took my Dad early? Why trust the one who let my heart be scarred? Because He is the same one who was willing to lose it all for my sake. He is the same one who wept over the death of a friend, the same one who prayed for God to let Him be spared from the cross yet said, "Not my will but yours be done." Jesus has offered to take my pain and fears and scars and wash my heart clean.
If "perfect love drives out fear," I want to seek to love my Savior more so fear controls my nights less.
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