A lot happened to me in 2013. The most obvious thing was my Dad being received into heaven. But the funny thing is, that wasn't the most difficult day of my life. It's the aftermath, the tiny broken pieces scattered, the pain of everyday life that hurts the most.
It's for my benefit, and mine alone, that I feel the need to recap all that's happened. If the reader feels encouraged, to God be all the glory.
Two weeks before Dad died, I told a friend that my greatest fear was losing someone I loved. I knew that day would come. And when it did, I would hit my knees and discover if my faith was real. That day came sooner than expected, but I'm changed because of it.
I always thought that my faith was as strong as I was. I was a good Christian girl with the perfect life. It was easy to be joyful and easier to be thankful. But when I realized my life wasn't all it was cracked up to be, I also learned that I wasn't as strong or as "good" as I thought. I didn't do anything crazy or wrong, I just finally saw myself for what I really was: a sinner saved by grace. Because it was by grace alone that I made it through July and everyday since then. It wasn't because I was strong, or faithful. It was Christ alone.
I didn't understand what real grace was until after July 9th. Grace is getting something positive that you don't deserve. I could define grace for you all day long, but until you've truly experienced grace, it doesn't make much sense.
Following this discovery, I went through a series of emotional ups and downs in my life. Missing my daddy, and realizing how difficult life was without him. So, I quit. Quit trying. The days were easy enough; do school, smile through dinner, and hide in my room. Church wasn't so bad either, just survive the sermons. But it was the nights I couldn't escape. My problems seemed to be magnified at night. Fear attacked from every side, and the hole in my heart hurt far more than usual. I knew I couldn't live like this. Just going through the motions. I wanted to feel God's love again. I wanted to feel alive. So, I started fighting. Started living again because it was either that or live life in a zombie state; dead but walking around.
I'm still fighting, still hurting, still overwhelmed at night. The problems don't go away. The pain and anger don't simply disappear. But neither does the grace, nor the love. I don't always "feel" God, but I know he's there. My problems haven't left, they never will. Some will be resolved, but others will take their place. I've realized that life isn't all smiles and sunshine, but I can keep living as long as I walk with Christ.
I've been reading some books by C.S. Lewis, an atheist who became a Christian because he claims to not have enough faith to remain an atheist. Mr. Lewis knew the pain of losing a loved one; he lost his beloved wife. So, I'd like to share two of his many quotes that have helped me.
"But pain insists upon being attended to. God whispers to us in our pleasures, speaks in our conscience, but shouts in our pain: it is His megaphone to rouse a deaf world."
"God has not been trying an experiment on my faith or love in order to find out their quality. He knew it already. It was I who didn't….He always knew my temple was a house of cards. His only way of making me realize the fact was to knock it down."
God has given me abundant grace this year. As has the body of Christ. I can never say thank you enough to all the love and prayers. This new year, I have just one desire, if I can keep truly living as God has taught me in 2013, then 2014 shall be a great year.
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