When it first happened, I wanted to thrust everything back to normal. Normal services, normal treatment, normal family time. But...it couldn't really work that way. I mean, not only mine, but many people's lives were shaken sideways and upside down that night. Pieces were broken and torn. There was no going back to the way things used to be. "Normal" wasn't what it used to be. So, I began looking for a new normal.
But...how? How could I feel joy and peace and especially security after having my life fall apart like that?
Lots of prayer. Lots of faith. And lots of time.
I learned patience. There's never a quick fix, or at least a permanent quick fix. Good things come to those who wait. The book of Psalm says over and over again "Wait patiently for the LORD." This generation screams NOW! It needs a quick solution, an easy answer. But there wasn't one. Finding a new normal, a new lifestyle, it took time. I cried, I shook my fists, I easily despaired. But I made it. I'm here. I couldn't believe it at the time, but life has gotten easier, the pain has lessened, and the emotions are less frequent and more controllable.
I also learned a lot about grace. God's amazing grace. The word itself always infatuated me because my middle name is Grace. When I was little, I was especially proud of that fact. But now, I have a new understanding and appreciation for it's true meaning.
The first few months, I tried to be strong. I would feel the emotions coming on and I would swallow them back and raise my head high. I could do this, I could keep it together. I didn't want to be a bother to anyone, especially my mom. She had gone through enough, I didn't want to burden her any more than she already was.
I quickly learned that the only thing worse than feeling hopeless and broken and lonely, is not feeling anything at all.
I quit feeling. Quit living and thus quit loving life. I went into auto pilot, smiling through the days and crying through the nights. It reminds me of the movie Frozen: "Conceal, don't feel! Don't let them know!"
It wasn't long before I learned that I couldn't live like that. This week even, I read 2 Corinthians 12:8-10: "8 Three times I pleaded with the Lord to take it away from me. 9 But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me. 10 That is why, for Christ’s sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong." I have learned, and am continually learning, that I wasn't made to be strong. I was created to rely on a strong God. When I try to do it on my own, I am incomplete, I fall short and fail. But when I submit to Christ in my weakness, only then can I be made whole. That's my purpose. Not be strong and independent like the world teaches. But to be weak and submissive to Christ. Only then do I find fulfillment and peace.
His grace is sufficient! It's enough! That truth consumes me and fills the voids of weakness and doubt in my life. I will constantly fall short, but Christ has covered all.
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