Thank You!

Six months ago, I started a blog. I used to enjoy writing, but now, I don't know what I would do without it. This blog has blessed me greatly in many ways. 

1) I get to express myself. Before I write, I have a million jumbled thoughts racing through my head. I can't keep hold of any one thought for very long without moving on to another shortly. Thus, I usually end up confused and exasperated. Blogging has helped. When I blog, my thoughts line up nice and (usually) orderly. Not only do you learn what I'm thinking, but I learn what I'm thinking. 

2) I've gotten to use the hardest moments in my life as a way to minister to literally thousands across the globe. I love it when my friends and family share my blog on their Facebook and then their friends tell them how it blessed them, and then I get to hear about it. It has given the purpose for my suffering a name! I absolutely love to hear about my readers. God called me to be a missionary when I was 10 years-old, and He has taught me that blogging is part of that mission work. I have had over 27,000 page views from every continent. I am blown away how God has used me. He's so faithful.

3) These blogs will be saved online forever. So as I get older and forget what I have written or if I ever lose my journals, I still have my blog entries. 

I know that this blog isn't very informative or truthful filled, but this is just to say thank you to all my readers. Thank you for you encouragement and love. Thank you for sharing my blogs and posts. Thank you for blessing my life and giving this hard time an eternal purpose.

My Greatest Fear: Lukewarm Christianity

I've never been so afraid of living life as a lukewarm Christian. As I read "The Screwtape Letters" by C.S. Lewis tonight, God awakened in me a very real fear. The fear of normalicy. Of living life day to day being "good" and going to church and saying a spiritual sounding prayer now and then. This fear sounds irrational and ill founded, but consider this. Which is more difficult to enter the Kingdom of God: The pronounced atheist who doesn't believe in God or heaven; or the man who takes his family to church every Sunday, smiles politely, says prayers at family meals, and even teaches Sunday school, yet has never had faith in God a day in his life? You may be tempted to say the atheist. I disagree. The atheist is unsure of the answer, he can be shown. But the church going man  is so close to the truth, he is certain he's got this church life figured out and no one can convince him otherwise. 

It's so easy to buy into Satan's lie. To be neck deep in church activities, jot down some verses now and then, to say nightly prayers and think that all of that is good. That that's enough. It's not! God isn't satisfied with anything less than ALL OF US. When you become a Christian, you must lay down your life and pick up the cross. It sounds scary, and crazy, and foolhardy. But it's the best decision I've ever made! When I give everything I've got to God, I experience such fullness of joy, and peace, and love as cannot be described! Being in the center of his will is the most beautiful thing in the world. 

But I'm a selfish creature, I have to commit myself to him daily. Sometimes hourly. I cannot tell you how many times I've read the Bible in the morning, left my peaceful room and snapped at someone at the breakfast table. Hurt their feelings or made them mad when I said something I shouldn't. I absolutely hate it when they go on to say, "You need to go spend some time with Jesus. You obviously haven't had your quiet time this morning." And of course I seethingly snap back, "YES, I have!" And what does that do? Prove their point. 

I am a hypocrite and I am a sinner. But that does not justify the moments when I sin. The scariest moments are not those when I've sinned and known it. The scariest moments are when I sin and don't realize it because I'm either spiritual blind or have justified my sin as being ok. 

1 Corinthians 10:12 says, "So, if you think you are standing firm, be careful that you don't fall!"

I am weak. I am not enough. I need a Savior and have one. I have to remind myself of these truths daily on my knees. Because the closer you walk with Christ, the better you can hear his warning, the more obvious sin is. 

Discovering Grace

Happy New Year! 

A lot happened to me in 2013. The most obvious thing was my Dad being received into heaven. But the funny thing is, that wasn't the most difficult day of my life. It's the aftermath, the tiny broken pieces scattered, the pain of everyday life that hurts the most. 

It's for my benefit, and mine alone, that I feel the need to recap all that's happened. If the reader feels encouraged, to God be all the glory.

Two weeks before Dad died, I told a friend that my greatest fear was losing someone I loved. I knew that day would come. And when it did, I would hit my knees and discover if my faith was real. That day came sooner than expected, but I'm changed because of it.

I always thought that my faith was as strong as I was. I was a good Christian girl with the perfect life. It was easy to be joyful and easier to be thankful. But when I realized my life wasn't all it was cracked up to be, I also learned that I wasn't as strong or as "good" as I thought. I didn't do anything crazy or wrong, I just finally saw myself for what I really was: a sinner saved by grace. Because it was by grace alone that I made it through July and everyday since then. It wasn't because I was strong, or faithful. It was Christ alone.

I didn't understand what real grace was until after July 9th. Grace is getting something positive that you don't deserve. I could define grace for you all day long, but until you've truly experienced grace, it doesn't make much sense.

Following this discovery, I went through a series of emotional ups and downs in my life. Missing my daddy, and realizing how difficult life was without him. So, I quit. Quit trying. The days were easy enough; do school, smile through dinner, and hide in my room. Church wasn't so bad either, just survive the sermons. But it was the nights I couldn't escape. My problems seemed to be magnified at night. Fear attacked from every side, and the hole in my heart hurt far more than usual. I knew I couldn't live like this. Just going through the motions. I wanted to feel God's love again. I wanted to feel alive. So, I started fighting. Started living again because it was either that or live life in a zombie state; dead but walking around. 

I'm still fighting, still hurting, still overwhelmed at night. The problems don't go away. The pain and anger don't simply disappear. But neither does the grace, nor the love. I don't always "feel" God, but I know he's there. My problems haven't left, they never will. Some will be resolved, but others will take their place. I've realized that life isn't all smiles and sunshine, but I can keep living as long as I walk with Christ. 

I've been reading some books by C.S. Lewis, an atheist who became a Christian because he claims to not have enough faith to remain an atheist. Mr. Lewis knew the pain of losing a loved one; he lost his beloved wife. So, I'd like to share two of his many quotes that have helped me. 

"But pain insists upon being attended to. God whispers to us in our pleasures, speaks in our conscience, but shouts in our pain: it is His megaphone to rouse a deaf world."

"God has not been trying an experiment on my faith or love in order to find out their quality. He knew it already. It was I who didn't….He always knew my temple was a house of cards. His only way of making me realize the fact was to knock it down."

God has given me abundant grace this year. As has the body of Christ. I can never say thank you enough to all the love and prayers. This new year, I have just one desire, if I can keep truly living as God has taught me in 2013, then 2014 shall be a great year.