Providence, Not Coincidence

Looking back, in the month before my Dad died, things sort of fell into place. Everything that happened was much more than mere coincidence. Do you believe in coincidence? I simply cannot, I must believe in Providence because too many things "worked out" perfectly.
My Dad was a very "inside the box" man. Everything happened in order, steps could not be skipped, and he always had a plan. When it came to vacations, he would occasionally take a spontaneous beach trip, but if we wanted to stay a couple of days, it had to be planned out months before. A week and a day before he died, Dad told us he wanted to go to the beach in two days, and stay for 3 days. He said that life had been crazy lately, and he just wanted some time with his family. The crazy thing is, the rest of us were not completely sure we wanted to go. It was going to rain the whole time, and mom, the girls and I had just gotten back from a youth trip. Still, Dad was determined to go, and we all said "Sure, why not?" The family time sounded great, even if the flooding weather didn't. Thus, we stayed at a house 30 minutes from the beach and had a great time. We watched movies, and laughed, and played games. The second night we ate out at a Mexican place. After that, it started pouring and we saw a covered dock open to the public so we grabbed some umbrellas and ran out there just to look. It "just so happened" I grabbed out my iPhone camera a took pictures of Mom and Dad and then Dad and I. I didn't know they would the last pictures of us together.

Two weeks before he died, Dad's old white car broke down. It was heat-less, AC-less, and 13 years old. And it was supposed to be mine. I was so happy when he sold it (for scrap) and bought a new car. The thing about the new car is, it's the nicest car he ever bought for himself and it's fairly new. When he first brought this car home, Lydia called it "The Mom Mobile" it looked kind of girly. We changed the nick-name for Dad's sake, but I found it hard to imagine him driving around in that car for another decade. But now, it's mine. It looks like a car I would own, it's very nice, and it's the last thing he bought me (even if he didn't know that). Coincidence? I don't think so.

Lastly, I don't believe in coincidences because of the note. I would occasionally write Mom and/or Dad notes telling them that I loved them and such. There was nothing really special about the night before he died. But as I got into bed, I thought maybe I should write my parents a note. I realized how greatly I was blessed, and I wanted them to know that. The note told them that they were one in a million and I was blessed to be their daughter and I loved them. I taped it to their door. Dad found it that night and put it on his bathroom mirror where it remains. I usually just wrote notes after a great talk with them or after something crazy had happened, but that Monday was normal. Yet, God urged me to write it and I am forever grateful for that.

I have heard people who do not believe in God call the things above "coincidences" or "fate" or "chance." I believe there is too much evidence of God's grace to believe in such. We could have declined the beach trip easily, or he could have bought an old beat up car again, or I would have said "forget the note, I'm too tired." I believe that "He works all things together for the good of those who love God." 1 Corinthians 2:9 says, "....No eye has seen, no ear has heard, no mind can conceive what God has prepared for those who love him." Because God loves me as His child saved by grace, he has a plan and he will bring it into completion. I can only see this glimpse of pain, but God sees the big picture! 

Our First Birthday Celebration

To those who don't directly know my family and I, I have three younger siblings: Lydia (14), Julia (12), Jonathan (5). Today, our family experienced a first. The first birthday celebrated without Daddy. Julia turned 12 today, and she and Dad spent a lot of time together. When she was nine, Dad started researching how to pitch in softball, and thus he taught her. At first, he just did it to see how she would do. If you know anything about my Dad, however, you would know that he was very passionate. He was either all in or all out. Well, he was all in with teaching Julia to pitch. She took pitching lessons, and eventually got so good that she was asked to join a travel ball team. Together, they would spend hours practicing, taking lessons, and talking about how to get better even at the dinner table. He was slightly obsessed (ok, very obsessed) but it was his stress reliever and Julia is very passionate about softball.

This blog is dedicated to my youngest sister on her very special birthday. With all that has happened, she has remained very strong and I have learned a lot about her. She is not very touchy-feely when it comes to hugs and such. If you ask her her opinion on something, she will give you straight honesty without beating around the bush. In sad and lonely situations, she knows how to make you laugh. Even that first long night, she kept us laughing with random crazy things she would say. For example, at the beach last week, we were all on the same bed one night talking and sadly remembering, when Julia shows us the hilarious music videos she had looked up that day. She had us rolling with her music video impressions!

One thing especially that Julia has that this world needs, is confidence in who Jesus has made her to be. She's not worried about what her friends might say to something she does or wears. She is different from most girls her age because on one hand, she's artistic and girly, but on the other she is a fierce competitor (like her Daddy!). But neither side of her personality stop her from doing what she wants to do and is called to do. I think her confidence in Jesus is what has helped her handle Dad's death so well. Yes, she has been sad and cried like everyone else, but at the same time, she is not afraid of the future. She is ready to move on! 

Happy birthday, Julia! I know sometimes we clash, but do not ever change who you are! I love you so much!

Just Me and My All

Last night I had an amazing time talking to God and reading the Bible. Who knew how much truth and hope the book of First Samuel held? I also have been able to relate to the book of Psalm in a new amazing way.
Firstly, instead of asking God "Why me?" He is changing my attitude and helping me realize how much I do not deserve His favor and love. Think about it, God could have left me sobbing and hopeless in the ER waiting room that night. Instead, however, He gave me strength and peace like never before. Psalm 8:3-4, "When I consider your heavens, the works of your fingers, the moon and the stars, which you have set in place, what is man that you are mindful of him, the son of man that you care for him?" My family and I are a living testimony to the fact that God does not forsake his children. He has been preparing me for this day and known it would happen since before the world was made.
I have been keeping a journal since I was 8. About 6 months back I wrote that I felt that that time was a time of rest. Life had been fairly easy. I was reading the Bible everyday and enjoying the time of peacefulness. I felt, however, that my walk didn't match my talk. It's easy, for example, to trust in God when He has given you two loving parents and a great church and family. My life was good, so why shouldn't my spiritual life be the same? That's how I felt that others saw me. And they had every right to view me as such.
Now, everyone waits to see if we will sink or swim. I'm doing neither. God is carrying me to shore, he is my strength. Psalm 10: 17-18 says,"You hear, O LORD, the desire of the afflicted; you encourage them, and you listen to their cry, defending the fatherless and the oppressed, in order that man, who is of the earth, may terrify no more." It's very strange to think of myself as fatherless, but at the same time, it is comforting. There are so many verses in the Bible where God says He is with the fatherless, He is my Father. He gives me strength to stand and carries me when I cannot.
My earthly father was not my purpose in life or my reason to live. I love him so much, and I will always miss him, but God remains as my King. Psalm 16:2, "I said to the LORD, 'You are my LORD; apart from you, I have no good thing.'" This is my life song and cry! And I desire it to be the cry and desire of everyone in my church and in my family!
These verses have given me great strength and hope. Last night was the first time in a long while where spending time with my King was more important than family, food, or sleep. I needed it and yearned for Him. Time fell away and it was just me and my All. Praying it stays that way!

Learning to Rebuild

A lot has happened since the last time I blogged. The men of my church have graciously allowed me to join their softball team in place of Dad and even allowed me to bat first. The first inning I was all about competition, then I realized that this is just for fun and fellowship, which I needed. I was encouraged and greatly blessed that night. I did tear up a few times when I would think to myself "I can't wait to go home and tell Dad I did that!" Or when one man on the team would pat my helmet every time I went up to bat just like Dad did. I have so many amazing softball memories with Dad. 

Also, through all of this, my family and friends are all being drawn closer. We have been so blessed by all the calls and concerns and prayers. We are fighting a battle right now, but I already know who will win, so I'm just going to go as God leads and not worry about the future. 

This week I get to be with family at the beach. I'll be honest and say its really hard. Dad loved being at the beach more than anywhere else and it feels like at any moment he will walk through the door. He would love these waves (double red flag) and family time. When he was on vacation, he was like a different person. Relaxed, spur of the moment, ready for anything. Although it has been somewhat difficult, it's been great laughing and making new memories with family. 

Next week will be a week of rebuilding. So we will continue to need your prayers. There's a Daddy sized hole in the hearts of me and my siblings, and we need God to of fill it. I told Mom last week that I now look forward to heaven more than I ever have before. Imagine, when I go Home, both Daddys will greet me! 

Missing My Daddy

This past week and a half have been very busy. Sometimes it's easy to get caught up in the moment and forget about all that has happened. But  it's those slow, quiet nights that remind me that my daddy is no longer on this earth. Jonathan and I had a moment like that Tuesday night.
We were about to go to bed and I said: "Can I ask you a question, Buddy?"
Jonathan: "Sure."
Me: "What was your favorite thing about Daddy?"
He sat there for a minute and tears started to well up in his eyes and his lip poked out a little. So I said: "It can be something funny."
Jonathan: "I was hoping I could say something serious."
Me: "Ok, you can say something serious."
Jonathan, with his voice cracking: "Daddy was kind, and he loved Jesus, and he loved his family."
I sat there for a minute, and realized how much he meant what he had just said. Jonathan wasn't just saying some nice words, this was what he loved about his daddy.
Then I remembered something crazy Dad used to do, and I told Jonathan. "Do you know what Daddy used to do after I spent a long time fixing my hair? He would walk in and rub my head (like he did when I was little) and I would shout 'Daddy! I just fixed my hair. Stop it!'" Jonathan giggled and laughed and together we remembered.
I've had a lot of thoughts and feelings since that Tuesday. Anger, confusion, loneliness, hurt. I'm angry because I do not understand how God could do this. Kind of like an infant. Parents give things to their baby and take from them because they know what is best. Often times, the baby will cry because they do not understand. They kick and scream and as they grow up, they understand. That's how I feel. I know God has a purpose for this, and I love Him as before, I just don't understand. And that's okay for now. I'm confused because I'm not sure what happens next, but I do know that God does. I'm lonely and hurt because sometimes I look over and expect Dad to be there. Sitting in his chair, laughing the loudest of all, wrestling with his Boy. I have those moments very often, and I kind of like them because for a moment, everything feels back to normal.
But normal isn't what God intended. We are created to glorify God and enjoy His creation. My dad glorified God with his life, and in his death. And now he is in heaven rejoicing in his Creator. It doesn't get any better! I can't wait to join both of my Dads one day!
Jonathan cannot understand all of that right now, but this is what I told him at the end of our conversation: "Buddy, do you know who loved Daddy more than we did? God. And He loved Daddy so very much that God couldn't stand to be away from him another day." It was time for Michael Whitt to go home to his heavenly Father.

My Weakness is His Strength

I'm so grateful for the encouragement of family, friends, and even strangers. Their prayers and blessings are what have kept this family going. There is, however, one thing I would like to clarify.
What people tell me most often, is "You and your family are so strong." If you had known what the past three months have been like for me personally, I think you would view me very differently.
Back up to a few months ago.....
I started out wanting to believe the things my parents and church family believed for myself. Not just because someone told me it was true. I wanted to dig deeper. The deeper I dug, the more I doubted. I did not doubt that Jesus could be my savior nor did I doubt that heaven was real. I did doubt that I could get into heaven. I mean, what if I died tonight, got to heaven, and Jesus told me "Sorry, but there's been a mistake." How could I be sure?
For weeks I struggled with this question. And for some reason, I couldn't seem to tell anyone. The more I struggled, the less I read the Bible. My prayer life decreased dramatically. I got to the point where, not only was I fooling everyone else about my spiritual lifestyle, I was fooling myself, too. I felt empty and hollow and I kept begging God for some sort of answer.
Then, on a random day in June, I was outside reading a book by R.C. Sproul. He writes, "The farther we get away from the Word, the less assurance we will experience in this life. The more we are in the Word of God, the more the Spirit who inspired the Word who illumines it for us will use the Word to confirm in our souls that we are truly His, that we are indeed among the children of God." He uses 2 Corinthians 5:5 as reference, "He who has prepared us for this very thing is God, who has given us the Spirit as a guarantee." Suddenly, something clicked. I knew that all I had to have was faith. I had always known that, but the farther I got from God, the less I could hear his whispered assurance.
Through all of this, I was shaken that I could doubt my salvation. I had always thought that faith was one of my strong points. God showed me that my own strength is very weak. But where I am weakest, there He is strongest.
So, all that has happened this past week has not weakened me. This is only because I am leaning all the more on a very strong God. I hear more than His whisper of love, I hear His shouts of joy resounding in my soul! People expect me to be so very sad and depressed and hopeless in this situation; but I am not. I will forever miss my Daddy, wonder why it had to be so soon, and cry often when I think of him. But "my hope is built on nothing less than Jesus' blood and righteousness. His hope, his covenant, his blood support me in the whelming flood."
The song that I have listened to multiple times today is "Bring the Rain" by MercyMe. I feel like it applies to me and my situation more than ever. (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=m17af0XmPFo)
I pray that everyone comes to experience this strength that Christ has given me. You don't have to be a long time Christian, or a pastor's daughter, or a "good" person to have this kind of close relationship with Christ. Just treat Him like you would your best friend. Spend time with Him by talking to Him. Tell Him your greatest hopes and fears and doubts. He will take them all. Read His love letter to you: the Bible. He longs to shower His love upon you. Don't put it off, start a forever friendship with Him right now. He has big plans for you if you will listen!
Please continue to pray for God's will to be shown in the life the of my family. Also, that we will constantly depend on Him. Thank you!

Strength in Suffering

My Dad asked about 3 weeks ago "If we could move anywhere in the world, where would you want to move?" Each of us had a different place in mind. Such as Auburn, Africa, South America. Me? I wanted to stay in Abbeville. Why? Not just because it's a small town, safe, and everything is so close. It was because of the people. The forever friendships I have developed with people here. I never knew how much I would need those friends in the weeks to come.
Tuesday, July 9th, 2013 will forever stick out in my mind. Dad had a softball game with the church league. He's on the blue FBC team. The first game he was a little slow, and if you ever met my dad, you know that he was well known for his speed. That night he didn't run many bases. He kept stopping to catch his breath. The second game, he was playing okay, but wouldn't go into the field. Suddenly I heard someone say Dad was on the ground. I jumped up and sprinted out there. I was handed a precious little boy mom had been watching and so I moved away. But not before I caught a glimpse of him. He was shaking really hard and his head was moving back and forth. I went over to the side to wait and someone took the toddler from me. I ran back over and felt myself panic, turn white, and want to pass out. My youth pastor blocked my view and moved me away. My former youth pastor's wife grabbed me and we waited.
An ambulance was called and my youth pastor and former youth pastor drove my sisters and I to the hospital. I thought everything was going to be alright. It supposed to just a concussion and a seizure. Psalm 91 played over my mind again and again. We got to the family waiting room and prayed. Family and friends arrived and we waited some more. I have never been so afraid. Then the doctor came in and told us he had suffered a massive heart attack. He didn't make it. To say the least, I was shocked. My first thought was very selfish. "He was supposed to walk me down the isle." After a minute or so, I felt God give me strength. To encourage, console, and even laugh.
The rest of the night was very long and slow It was filled with happy memories and sad realizations.
Wednesday was a mix of different emotions. Every time someone new stopped by, I wanted to break down. By afternoon, I had cried and remembered all I wanted to and a lot more. That's when great friends came to the rescue. We played spoons and pit and ate dinner at a pizza place. That helped so much.
Thursday, we rolled the tree. If you don't know, Michael Whitt was a HUGE Auburn football fan So, in his memory, the town decided to join us in rolling a tree in the front yard one last time. It was amazing. About 100 people showed up.
Friday was long. The visitation and funeral were in the morning. Some friends spread the word that no one should wear black, because this was a celebration. The hardest friends to see were the ones I played softball with and Daddy helped coach just a few weeks ago.I told my youngest sister Julia that next year, I will help be her coach.
Through all of this, God has given me more joy than I have ever felt before. Yes, there is also great pain, but the peace is even greater. A year ago I would have been so afraid of possibly moving, going to school, and the unknown. But now? I say "Bring it." God is in control. Jeremiah 29:11 is my favorite verse, ""For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD. "Plans to prosper, and not to harm you. Plans to give you a future and a hope."" God's faithfulness has been displayed through His peace, but also through His providence. Friends all over have blessed us with food, encouragement, and even household needs. What a blessing!
So how do I feel about all of this? I believe that if just one person came to know Christ, it would all be worth it. If our church can grow and flourish and touch lives through this trial, blessed be the name of the LORD! In time, I may be angry, and sad, and lost; but God is my God, and His promise to never leave or forsake me will remain.