For the past few months I've really struggled with the thought of my dad being gone for a year. It hasn't felt like a year. A month maybe. Even a day. Sometimes it feels like it happened an hour ago. But not a year. Mentally, I built that date up in my mind. I both dreaded its coming as well as anticipated its end. A year of firsts is gone. It's relieving and unsettling.
If you've never faced a loss like this, I can't truly explain my actions or emotions. But they're not crazy and they're very real. The week before July 9th, 2014 was much harder than the actual anniversary. I missed him badly. I didn't want to let go of the past. Didn't want to move on from the "should've beens" and the old "normals".
The truth is, I have a new normal. My house is filled with two sisters, a mom, and a stinky little brother. I'm fatherless. I'm weaker than I thought I was. This is my new normal. I no longer look at the past with fingers crossed, praying for just one more day with him. Just one more hug. I've embraced God's plan for me. It's not most people's "normal" but it's God's providence.
I had a thought the other day that's given me hope. I have been through the loss of a close loved one. I have survived it and grown through it. Dad faced different kinds of pain and loss, but never the death of a loved one. I get to grow and trust God in a different way than my dad ever could. I reached the brink of despair in a way he never could and felt such victory and triumph with a joy he could never experience simply because he wasn't blessed with this kind of suffering.
Yes, I just said BLESSED.
I could spend the rest of my life wishing to have my daddy back. And I could squander the rest of my days clinging to the past. But if this trial had never taken place, I wouldn't be who I am today. I wouldn't be ME. Our experiences, and most importantly our reactions to them, make us who we are. I am more humbled, yet more strengthened. I am more dependent on Christ, yet fiercely independent of the world. I have reached rock bottom, yet have felt God's overflowing grace as I rise to the top. I can sympathize with people in a way I never could before. This is who God is creating me to be. I'm not complete yet. I mean, I'm still breathing so there's still much to learn and much to be done. My faith, my attitude, and my life has been altered all because of God's perfect, though often painful, plan.
