Before Dad died, I knew I wanted it have real friends. Not just the laugh and have fun friends, but the friends who would be there for me when I was having a bad day. When a death as tragic as this happens to a family, everyone responds from all walks of life. Why? Usually pity and human based love. What do I mean by human based? I'm getting to that.
The weeks following Dad's death, a lot of people backed off. We would get over it. We would find a new normal. We've done well so far. The cards slacked, the random stop ins slacked. But they didn't stop.
One church in particular comes to mind. Other than churches in Abbeville, there was this one church that responded with crazy over the top no sense kind of love. I think we knew personally one family that went to this church, but other than that, they had been off our radar. For weeks, different people from this church would send us notes of love and prayer and blessing. I was overwhelmed! It was more than some card saying "sorry for your loss we are praying." This was the body of Christ moving! Reaching out from one church and town to another! What a testimony! What love.
Last weekend was my sixteenth birthday and I had a party with mostly teens but some adults. Family came from all over Alabama! And even friends! The drive for hours just to be there for a little party. Why? They love me! They love my family!
I realize so many teens my age talk about "love" and "best friends" but y'all, they have no clue! I had no clue before all this happened! My church keeps loving on me and praying for me and they are as thrilled as I am that we don't have to leave Abbeville!
This love overwhelms me. I keep thinking "Why do they keep loving me? I can't pay them back. I don't deserve this!" The answer is that this is the love of Jesus at work! And I can never pay them back and I could never deserve this. Before everything happened, I knew I could never repay my parents, but they were my parents and that was their job. When someone did me a favor, I knew I could pay them back. But all this, it's unbelievable! My church family and friends took time off to teach me to drive, to take my brother golfing and hunting and fishing, to personally write me a song, to set up sound equipment for my party, to ask me how they could pray. And that's just the ones I could name off the top of my head! This is Proverbs 18:24 is action, "One who has unreliable friends will soon come to ruin, but there is a friend who sticks closer than a brother."
There have been moments when I almost didn't like the fact that I couldn't pay people back for their love. But then I realize they are just following Jesus' example. He showed the ultimate love by making the ultimate sacrifice. He gave His life for me! I can never ever pay that back! But I am grateful with every breath I take, every laugh I utter, and every tear that falls. "Jesus paid it all, all to Him I owe. Sin had left a crimson stain, He washed it white as snow."
September 24, 2013
September 07, 2013
An Attitude of Gratitude
This week has been a roller-coaster of emotions. One minute I feel on top of the world, the next minute there's an emptiness in my heart. And the pain won't go away. I wonder when it will go away, how I can make it stop. Memories flood my mind and I am consumed with the past. I am more than reliving it. I am desperate to stay trapped in it. I don't want to move on.
But there's one problem. That's not living. That's just not dying. Think about it; just because I'm alive day to day doesn't mean I'm truly living life. Just going through the motions. And I want it to stop. I WANT OUT! I WANT TO LIVE!
But how? First, I had to realize the problem. I'm selfish. I'm weak. And the solution is...what?
A precious friend gave me a book this week called "One Thousand Gifts" by Ann Voskamp. And it has helped me realize how to live again. Truly live.
Consider the Fall of Man. What happened? The "Sunday School answer" is man disobeyed God. At the root of that disobedience, however, was ingratitude. Man wasn't really grateful with what God had given him. It wash't enough. He wanted MORE.
I wanted more. I want a Dad on earth. I want a perfect life. And I want my relationship with Jesus to fit in a comfortable little box on the sidelines.
Wait a minute, where in the Bible is the word "comfort" used to describe our relationship with Jesus? Simple! It isn't. Instead Jesus says "Take up thy cross and follow me." That cross isn't nice and sanded down or floating on a cloud to ease the weight. No. That cross is heavy and painful and we are called to follow Jesus through mountains and valleys. And you know what? I wouldn't want it any other way. Because when I am weak, He gives me strength. When I am hopeless, He gives me hope. When I am lost, He leaves all others to bring me back home. And I am grateful.
I have so much to be grateful for, but this past week, I was lost in the past. I didn't want to be grateful, I wanted to have the perfect, imaginary life. But it wasn't fulfilling. It was empty.
I am grateful for this house I've lived in for eight years, and get to keep living in. I'm grateful for siblings who make me laugh and help me grow in Christ. I am especially grateful for my mother. Because I can't imagine many other women handling this the way she has. She hasn't stopped living. I know I can always depend on her, not because she is strong, but because she wakes up early every morning to spend time with her strong Savior. I'm eternally grateful for friends and our church family who have yet to leave our sides. I'm grateful I had fifteen fantastic years with the most godly man I know. I can't keep living is those memories, but I certainly will never forget them.
Yes, there are moments when I try to be grateful and the loss still cuts like a knife. I know, however, that my Shepard will bring me home safely. And I can keep living, truly living, in a fulfilling gratitude.
But there's one problem. That's not living. That's just not dying. Think about it; just because I'm alive day to day doesn't mean I'm truly living life. Just going through the motions. And I want it to stop. I WANT OUT! I WANT TO LIVE!
But how? First, I had to realize the problem. I'm selfish. I'm weak. And the solution is...what?
A precious friend gave me a book this week called "One Thousand Gifts" by Ann Voskamp. And it has helped me realize how to live again. Truly live.
Consider the Fall of Man. What happened? The "Sunday School answer" is man disobeyed God. At the root of that disobedience, however, was ingratitude. Man wasn't really grateful with what God had given him. It wash't enough. He wanted MORE.
I wanted more. I want a Dad on earth. I want a perfect life. And I want my relationship with Jesus to fit in a comfortable little box on the sidelines.
Wait a minute, where in the Bible is the word "comfort" used to describe our relationship with Jesus? Simple! It isn't. Instead Jesus says "Take up thy cross and follow me." That cross isn't nice and sanded down or floating on a cloud to ease the weight. No. That cross is heavy and painful and we are called to follow Jesus through mountains and valleys. And you know what? I wouldn't want it any other way. Because when I am weak, He gives me strength. When I am hopeless, He gives me hope. When I am lost, He leaves all others to bring me back home. And I am grateful.
I have so much to be grateful for, but this past week, I was lost in the past. I didn't want to be grateful, I wanted to have the perfect, imaginary life. But it wasn't fulfilling. It was empty.
I am grateful for this house I've lived in for eight years, and get to keep living in. I'm grateful for siblings who make me laugh and help me grow in Christ. I am especially grateful for my mother. Because I can't imagine many other women handling this the way she has. She hasn't stopped living. I know I can always depend on her, not because she is strong, but because she wakes up early every morning to spend time with her strong Savior. I'm eternally grateful for friends and our church family who have yet to leave our sides. I'm grateful I had fifteen fantastic years with the most godly man I know. I can't keep living is those memories, but I certainly will never forget them.
Yes, there are moments when I try to be grateful and the loss still cuts like a knife. I know, however, that my Shepard will bring me home safely. And I can keep living, truly living, in a fulfilling gratitude.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)