A God of Peace

I am constantly surrounded by noise. My family calls for my attention to "Do this" or "Watch that." My friends call for my attention asking "Come to this" or "Join us in that." Even noisier than that, the world calls for my attention saying "Do this or you won't be good enough" and "Buy this or you'll be an outcast."
It's difficult to ignore all these shouts for attention and notice and press on. But the noise I absolutely cannot ignore is the noise in my heart. The lies bouncing around that I'll never be good enough, that this situation is bound to fail. The uncertainties about tomorrow plague my every thought. The happenings of the day keep me up late into the night replaying themselves over and over again and I wonder what I could have done differently.
People shout to me. Things shout to me. Pain shouts to me.
There is chaos in my soul and a forced smile on my face. I feel hazy and confused and I cannot think straight for the life of me. Where's the peace God promised?
What is peace? If you mean peace in everyday surroundings, that peace is nonexistent on earth. Tragedies, horrors, and plans gone wrong happen daily. You cannot avoid that. People have the wrong idea of "peace". It's not in your surroundings, it's in your heart. In your soul. It's to be pursued.
All the noise I have been feeling is not from God. My mom once said "God is a God of peace." He cannot and will not orchestrate chaos. This confusion is from satan.
Isaiah 44:8 says: "Do not tremble, do not be afraid. Did I not proclaim this and foretell it long ago? You are my witnesses. Is there any God besides me? No, there is no there Rock, I know not one."
God never promised us a life a ease. In fact, he warns us of trials and persecutions. But he did promise peace. "My peace I give to you…"
So in all the noise and all the chaos in my life, I have to take captive EVERY thought and not let the troubles around me enter and consume my thoughts. I have to walk close to the Lord, and as I do, I will daily realize and remember that He is enough. He has overcome. And with that realization comes peace.

The Tip of the Iceberg

I'm so blessed by the siblings God has given me. I bond differently I each one of them and love them all. With Lydia, I get to choreograph dramas. With Jonathan, I get to practice basketball. And with Julia, I get to practice softball.
Dad loved softball. He loved teaching me to slap hit and Julia to pitch. If you never saw Dad on the field, you missed an amazing/hilarious side of him. From connecting with the girls he coached to throwing an occasional hissy fit at the refs, Dad was all in to sports.
For years, he took Julia to a pitching coach. She could pitch almost 50mph before she fractured her back. Right after Dad died, Julia was cleared by the doctor to play softball again. We dabbled in it for a few months, but tonight, we went back to the pitching coach. She was nervous about doing her best. I was nervous about helping her do her best. I'm her catcher now. I'm her coach. I really don't want to blow this.
We get to the pitching coach in Dothan and he's watching Julia and another girl pitch. I start to catch Julia and it's going ok. I look over now and then and watch the guy next to me coach his daughter. I think "Wait, this isn't my job. This is Dad's." It's not really a pity party, just a sad realization. The guy next to me asks where I'm from and what our last name is. I say we are the Whitt's from Abbeville. One thing leads to another and we discover he was Julia's first fall ball coach and knew Dad! I even remember him!bHe asks "How old are you?" I say I'm 16. He asks about my future plans and I tell him I want to go to auburn, become a teacher, and eventually be a missionary to India because God has given me a heart for that nation. I think I surprise him a bit.
I was greatly encouraged tonight by two men who I barely know. They both asked "How's your family." We are great. Like, really. It's tough some days and I get selfish many days, but God is so faithful! He is showing me that through all this, not only do I get to minister through my blog, but also on the softball field. My dad and sister were well known for her pitching. And now people watch to see how we are doing and what we will do next. I get to share Christ's faithfulness in both my words and my actions. That feeling of doing something eternal is like nothing in the world. I am so blessed because not only do I get to play softball with my sister, but I get to minister to strangers at the same time. I'm amazed at the plans God has because I know I'm only seeing the tip of the iceberg.

(In the picture below Dad's trying to tell me how to steal. "Watch the pitcher, and when she turns her back, run. If the catcher throws it, run. Don't get trapped, though." Me: "Dad, I got it. I know how to steal." I'm not a know it all, but he had already taught me everything he knew!)

Thank You!

Six months ago, I started a blog. I used to enjoy writing, but now, I don't know what I would do without it. This blog has blessed me greatly in many ways. 

1) I get to express myself. Before I write, I have a million jumbled thoughts racing through my head. I can't keep hold of any one thought for very long without moving on to another shortly. Thus, I usually end up confused and exasperated. Blogging has helped. When I blog, my thoughts line up nice and (usually) orderly. Not only do you learn what I'm thinking, but I learn what I'm thinking. 

2) I've gotten to use the hardest moments in my life as a way to minister to literally thousands across the globe. I love it when my friends and family share my blog on their Facebook and then their friends tell them how it blessed them, and then I get to hear about it. It has given the purpose for my suffering a name! I absolutely love to hear about my readers. God called me to be a missionary when I was 10 years-old, and He has taught me that blogging is part of that mission work. I have had over 27,000 page views from every continent. I am blown away how God has used me. He's so faithful.

3) These blogs will be saved online forever. So as I get older and forget what I have written or if I ever lose my journals, I still have my blog entries. 

I know that this blog isn't very informative or truthful filled, but this is just to say thank you to all my readers. Thank you for you encouragement and love. Thank you for sharing my blogs and posts. Thank you for blessing my life and giving this hard time an eternal purpose.

My Greatest Fear: Lukewarm Christianity

I've never been so afraid of living life as a lukewarm Christian. As I read "The Screwtape Letters" by C.S. Lewis tonight, God awakened in me a very real fear. The fear of normalicy. Of living life day to day being "good" and going to church and saying a spiritual sounding prayer now and then. This fear sounds irrational and ill founded, but consider this. Which is more difficult to enter the Kingdom of God: The pronounced atheist who doesn't believe in God or heaven; or the man who takes his family to church every Sunday, smiles politely, says prayers at family meals, and even teaches Sunday school, yet has never had faith in God a day in his life? You may be tempted to say the atheist. I disagree. The atheist is unsure of the answer, he can be shown. But the church going man  is so close to the truth, he is certain he's got this church life figured out and no one can convince him otherwise. 

It's so easy to buy into Satan's lie. To be neck deep in church activities, jot down some verses now and then, to say nightly prayers and think that all of that is good. That that's enough. It's not! God isn't satisfied with anything less than ALL OF US. When you become a Christian, you must lay down your life and pick up the cross. It sounds scary, and crazy, and foolhardy. But it's the best decision I've ever made! When I give everything I've got to God, I experience such fullness of joy, and peace, and love as cannot be described! Being in the center of his will is the most beautiful thing in the world. 

But I'm a selfish creature, I have to commit myself to him daily. Sometimes hourly. I cannot tell you how many times I've read the Bible in the morning, left my peaceful room and snapped at someone at the breakfast table. Hurt their feelings or made them mad when I said something I shouldn't. I absolutely hate it when they go on to say, "You need to go spend some time with Jesus. You obviously haven't had your quiet time this morning." And of course I seethingly snap back, "YES, I have!" And what does that do? Prove their point. 

I am a hypocrite and I am a sinner. But that does not justify the moments when I sin. The scariest moments are not those when I've sinned and known it. The scariest moments are when I sin and don't realize it because I'm either spiritual blind or have justified my sin as being ok. 

1 Corinthians 10:12 says, "So, if you think you are standing firm, be careful that you don't fall!"

I am weak. I am not enough. I need a Savior and have one. I have to remind myself of these truths daily on my knees. Because the closer you walk with Christ, the better you can hear his warning, the more obvious sin is. 

Discovering Grace

Happy New Year! 

A lot happened to me in 2013. The most obvious thing was my Dad being received into heaven. But the funny thing is, that wasn't the most difficult day of my life. It's the aftermath, the tiny broken pieces scattered, the pain of everyday life that hurts the most. 

It's for my benefit, and mine alone, that I feel the need to recap all that's happened. If the reader feels encouraged, to God be all the glory.

Two weeks before Dad died, I told a friend that my greatest fear was losing someone I loved. I knew that day would come. And when it did, I would hit my knees and discover if my faith was real. That day came sooner than expected, but I'm changed because of it.

I always thought that my faith was as strong as I was. I was a good Christian girl with the perfect life. It was easy to be joyful and easier to be thankful. But when I realized my life wasn't all it was cracked up to be, I also learned that I wasn't as strong or as "good" as I thought. I didn't do anything crazy or wrong, I just finally saw myself for what I really was: a sinner saved by grace. Because it was by grace alone that I made it through July and everyday since then. It wasn't because I was strong, or faithful. It was Christ alone.

I didn't understand what real grace was until after July 9th. Grace is getting something positive that you don't deserve. I could define grace for you all day long, but until you've truly experienced grace, it doesn't make much sense.

Following this discovery, I went through a series of emotional ups and downs in my life. Missing my daddy, and realizing how difficult life was without him. So, I quit. Quit trying. The days were easy enough; do school, smile through dinner, and hide in my room. Church wasn't so bad either, just survive the sermons. But it was the nights I couldn't escape. My problems seemed to be magnified at night. Fear attacked from every side, and the hole in my heart hurt far more than usual. I knew I couldn't live like this. Just going through the motions. I wanted to feel God's love again. I wanted to feel alive. So, I started fighting. Started living again because it was either that or live life in a zombie state; dead but walking around. 

I'm still fighting, still hurting, still overwhelmed at night. The problems don't go away. The pain and anger don't simply disappear. But neither does the grace, nor the love. I don't always "feel" God, but I know he's there. My problems haven't left, they never will. Some will be resolved, but others will take their place. I've realized that life isn't all smiles and sunshine, but I can keep living as long as I walk with Christ. 

I've been reading some books by C.S. Lewis, an atheist who became a Christian because he claims to not have enough faith to remain an atheist. Mr. Lewis knew the pain of losing a loved one; he lost his beloved wife. So, I'd like to share two of his many quotes that have helped me. 

"But pain insists upon being attended to. God whispers to us in our pleasures, speaks in our conscience, but shouts in our pain: it is His megaphone to rouse a deaf world."

"God has not been trying an experiment on my faith or love in order to find out their quality. He knew it already. It was I who didn't….He always knew my temple was a house of cards. His only way of making me realize the fact was to knock it down."

God has given me abundant grace this year. As has the body of Christ. I can never say thank you enough to all the love and prayers. This new year, I have just one desire, if I can keep truly living as God has taught me in 2013, then 2014 shall be a great year.