I'm so grateful for the encouragement of family, friends, and even strangers. Their prayers and blessings are what have kept this family going. There is, however, one thing I would like to clarify.
What people tell me most often, is "You and your family are so strong." If you had known what the past three months have been like for me personally, I think you would view me very differently.
Back up to a few months ago.....
I started out wanting to believe the things my parents and church family believed for myself. Not just because someone told me it was true. I wanted to dig deeper. The deeper I dug, the more I doubted. I did not doubt that Jesus could be my savior nor did I doubt that heaven was real. I did doubt that I could get into heaven. I mean, what if I died tonight, got to heaven, and Jesus told me "Sorry, but there's been a mistake." How could I be sure?
For weeks I struggled with this question. And for some reason, I couldn't seem to tell anyone. The more I struggled, the less I read the Bible. My prayer life decreased dramatically. I got to the point where, not only was I fooling everyone else about my spiritual lifestyle, I was fooling myself, too. I felt empty and hollow and I kept begging God for some sort of answer.
Then, on a random day in June, I was outside reading a book by R.C. Sproul. He writes, "The farther we get away from the Word, the less assurance we will experience in this life. The more we are in the Word of God, the more the Spirit who inspired the Word who illumines it for us will use the Word to confirm in our souls that we are truly His, that we are indeed among the children of God." He uses 2 Corinthians 5:5 as reference, "He who has prepared us for this very thing is God, who has given us the Spirit as a guarantee." Suddenly, something clicked. I knew that all I had to have was faith. I had always known that, but the farther I got from God, the less I could hear his whispered assurance.
Through all of this, I was shaken that I could doubt my salvation. I had always thought that faith was one of my strong points. God showed me that my own strength is very weak. But where I am weakest, there He is strongest.
So, all that has happened this past week has not weakened me. This is only because I am leaning all the more on a very strong God. I hear more than His whisper of love, I hear His shouts of joy resounding in my soul! People expect me to be so very sad and depressed and hopeless in this situation; but I am not. I will forever miss my Daddy, wonder why it had to be so soon, and cry often when I think of him. But "my hope is built on nothing less than Jesus' blood and righteousness. His hope, his covenant, his blood support me in the whelming flood."
The song that I have listened to multiple times today is "Bring the Rain" by MercyMe. I feel like it applies to me and my situation more than ever. (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=m17af0XmPFo)
I pray that everyone comes to experience this strength that Christ has given me. You don't have to be a long time Christian, or a pastor's daughter, or a "good" person to have this kind of close relationship with Christ. Just treat Him like you would your best friend. Spend time with Him by talking to Him. Tell Him your greatest hopes and fears and doubts. He will take them all. Read His love letter to you: the Bible. He longs to shower His love upon you. Don't put it off, start a forever friendship with Him right now. He has big plans for you if you will listen!
Please continue to pray for God's will to be shown in the life the of my family. Also, that we will constantly depend on Him. Thank you!
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