DNow 2014 Recap

I survived DNow 2014!
If you're not a part of my church D-Now stands for "Discipleship Now" and is a weekend set aside for the encouragement of youth, as well as a time of crazy fun and games. We have numerous big group and small group sessions as well as ping pong battles, spoons, and a video scavenger hunt. The theme this past weekend was "Follow Me."
Heading into D-Now, I knew God had something especially for me. It just wasn't what I expected it to be.
All throughout the weekend, as soon as music worship began, my heart would sink to my stomach. I felt so heavy and alone. I wanted to run out and clear my head. I wanted to be released from my pain.
But I stayed. I stood, not singing a single lyric, and let God's truth wash over me. Cleanse me. Heal me. And it worked. Each time I felt Satan attack me, I fought back with the strength God gave me. I had never done that before and it felt like such a victory.
But I didn't let anyone else know. How could I?
Saturday afternoon, during our small group session, I had just finished reading out of 1 Peter 5:7-10 which says: "7 Cast all your anxiety on him because he cares for you. 8 Be alert and of sober mind. Your enemy the devil prowls around like a roaring lion looking for someone to devour. 9 Resist him, standing firm in the faith, because you know that the family of believers throughout the world is undergoing the same kind of sufferings.10 And the God of all grace, who called you to his eternal glory in Christ, after you have suffered a little while, will himself restore you and make you strong, firm and steadfast." I felt so encouraged, like that passage was meant for me. I stopped and let God's Word soak into me. I wanted to hear His voice. Instead, I hear "You have to be strong for Mom, for your friends. Hide it, you can do it on your own. Don't let anyone know you're hurting." I silently nodded as the thought crossed my mind. Then I stopped. No, that wasn't right. NO! That was a lie! I realized I don't have to be strong for anyone, God will give me the strength to fight, but I refuse to wear a mask. Refuse to wear a mask pretending I'm ok when I am not. My family and friends love me and want to help me. Why would I hide from them?
That night, our small group leader encouraged us to share what God had done in our lives that weekend. Tears blurred my vision as I shared how God had strengthened me, how I had taken captive every thought. How loved and safe I felt within my church because I was striving to be open and honest. It's easy to let my emotions overtake me and wallow in my self pity. But in reality, I'm so blessed. I know that at my core, sometimes I just have to fight to remember that fact.
I want to give a special thank you to all the DNow leaders, the speaker, and the band. As well as the godly men and women in my church who bless me with their love and encouragement daily. Thank you!!!

All Kinds of Loss: Hurting Then Healing

There are all types of loss. Loss through death. Loss through decisions. Loss through miscommunication. Loss of identity. Loss of joy, hope. I used to think that death was the loss that hurt the most. But it isn't. When you lose someone, or something, the pain is real and it doesn't come with a scale of one to ten.
I've struggled with numerous forms of loss the past few weeks. And I thought I was going insane. But no more so than usual.
During the day it's easy to set aside those deep, heavy feelings and put on a happy face. Sometimes you even forget for a moment that you're struggling. Life seems so perfect and beautiful.
But at night, I am under attack. I wonder if I'm carrying more burdens than I'm supposed to. I wonder when this knife in my heart will be removed. And most of all, I wonder if I would hurt this much if my Daddy was here.
I try to hold back the emotions welling up, but they thunder around inside of me. What's wrong with me? People struggle everyday, and Dad has been gone for months. Have a truly lost it?
No. This is grief. This is pain. And no two stories look alike. People can tell me to be happy, to move on and let go of the past. But it's usually not the past that plagues me. It's the future.
Will there always be this much pain? This much struggle? Will I ever feel "normal" again?
Yes and no.
John 16:33 declares: "I have told you these things, so that in me you may have peace. In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world." I will have times when I feel like I'm drowning; when I don't think I can keep walking, or even breathing. So I lie still in God's arms. I cry or scream or just breath in and out, because God is holding me. Breathing life into me.
Friday night was a battle, and Saturday morning I was physically exhausted from the struggle. I wondered "God, where are you when I need you? A little help here!" But I've learned you can't heal until you get past the immediate hurt. For about 24 hours, I was hurt. I just survived. But the past couple days, God has revived me and given me words of encouragement through His Word as well as through His children.
Where were they four days ago? Waiting. Because I wasn't ready to heal until I could get past the hurt.