Living with Open Hands

I can remember the first church my dad ever pastored. It was a very small church because it was a very small town. Almost every Sunday, an older man, who sat a few rows behind us, always lifted his hands when he sang, and sometimes when he prayed. I can remember the way he raised up his arms, elbows slightly bent, a look of concentration on his face with eyes closed as he sang. I was six or seven years-old when I began copying him. I lifted my hands and sometimes closed my eyes when I sang. 

One day, I was in the car with Mom when we asked me why I raised my hands when I sang. I don't remember my exact wording, but I do remember being sincere in what I said. Open hands are a symbol of surrender, giving it all over to God. When my hands are empty, it's easy to surrender. Here I am God! I've got nothing but myself to offer You, but here I am!

That was my attitude for years as I grew in Christ. I didn't have much to offer, I was just a child. I became used to empty hands. I would ask God for different things, but He kept reminding me He was enough. Eventually, I believed Him and was satisfied. 

Time went by and I forgot about the requests I made, the things I wanted delivered into my hands. One day, I looked down and my hands were full. I was thrilled as I watched prayers being answered. I basked in the gifts God had given me.

And, slowly, my hands started to close. 

The open hands became small fists as I struggled to hold on to the treasures God had given me. I fought, I reasoned, I begged. I had waited too long, struggled too hard to simply let it all go! Yet, God continually coaxed me to open my hands and surrender. I was caught in idolatry valuing the gift more than the Giver.

Wait, I am an idolator?

Recently, I've been reading through Jeremiah. As I struggled with my idols, I opened to read Jeremiah 44, entitled: Disaster Because of Idolatry. Ok, God, you've got my attention. The chapter talks about how God warns the Israelites to give up their idols and come back to Him. They flat out refuse. Thus, God promises that disaster will come.

Everyday idols are everywhere. Our family, our friends, our possessions, our hobbies- all of it can become an idol! Living with open, surrendered hands is hard because sometimes God gives us gifts and answers prayers, but other times He takes away and our hearts are broken. Job 1:21 is a key verse to keep in mind: "The Lord gave and the Lord has taken away; blessed be the name of the Lord!"

It Wasn't In the Plan

Logic is a tricky thing. Growing up, my parents would remind me over and over again to "use my head" and think things through. I suppose I took that to an extreme because now I always like to have a plan with as many details to support that plan as possible. In the off chance that the first plan fails, I have a backup. I try to think everything through as well as I can and perceive every possible outcome so I can be better prepared.
I recently graduated from high school, and in the weeks and months leading up to graduation, everyone would ask me what my plans were. I didn't know. I prayed and searched and one morning I heard the Lord speak to me in the middle of everyday life. He told me to go to the community college. Woah, woah, woah, God. That wasn't in MY plan. Auburn has always been the dream. My parents went there and loved it, and ever since I can remember Auburn has been the only place I have ever wanted to go.
Nevertheless, I said yes to God. No wasn't really an option, at least not an outright no. I kept hoping that the calling to go to the community college was like when God called Abraham to sacrifice his son. Maybe, just maybe, he would call me off at the last second. I held onto that hope for months. I kept praying. I told everyone I was going to the community college, but I was applying for scholarships like I was going to Auburn. I wasn't giving it to God, I was clinging to what I wanted most.
Then, the 'impossible' happened. In March I journaled: "I received a letter yesterday that threw me into a panic. Auburn offered me a scholarship. Instead of rejoicing, I became upset with God. It was like some sort of joke. He called me to [the community college], he's providing for Auburn. I became very conflicted. Ultimately, though, the letter doesn't change anything. I'm going to continue planning toward [the community college] and seek the Lord."
Call me crazy, but I was rejecting Auburn. The scholarship wasn't huge, but it was enough to cause serious consideration. I couldn't do it, though. I knew that God had called me elsewhere, and until he told me otherwise, I had to obey. Proverbs 19:21 says, "Many are the plans in man's heart, but it is the LORD's purpose that prevails." For as long as I could remember, my heart's desire was to go to Auburn. That changed. My heart's greatest desire was now to delight in the Lord. Many days, it was difficult. I had wanted Auburn so badly and for so long. One day I would probably get to go, but for now I was planning for a year at home.
Then came another curve ball. I won the Jimmy Rane scholarship. This time, however, I wasn't as flustered. I was thankful and joyous at God's providence and kept looking to the community college. I wanted to obey. More than Auburn, I had to fulfill God's calling on my life even if it didn't seem make sense.
I was urged by those around me to pray. Yet, I refused to consider Auburn until I heard God say go.
"I'm trying to give you the desires of your heart."
Wait, what?
Psalm 37:4, "Delight yourself in the LORD and he will give you the desires of your heart."
God spoke. I journaled: "I couldn't believe it at first. It wasn't that complicated. Every door to Auburn was flung open....This entire journey has been about surrendering and delighting. My heart's desires have shifted. Yet, God has spoken." For hours, I sat in disbelief. Auburn. God was calling me to Auburn. Oh, and just in case I needed further assurance, that night I found an email informing me of another Auburn scholarship. My jaw dropped.
It was a month until graduation, but plans were finally in place. Plans I couldn't have begun to foresee. I serve a big God.

 Like I said, Auburn has ALWAYS been the dream.

Mr. Jimmy Rane presenting me with the scholarship.

A Beautiful Mess

Life is a mess. We stumble through it and experience every emotion there is to experience. There are moments of overwhelming love, innocent joy, fulfilling peace. Then there's the pain of betrayal, the struggle to say goodbye, the uncertainty of all the unknowns. I recently watched a movie and one of the characters basically said we work to perfect our lives. We toil and struggle under what seems to be the opposition of the world. We give up so much and lose what we place value in- all for that one moment of peace. One moment where everything is practically perfect. Only to have that one moment end and life to, once again, fall apart.

Why? Why does it always fall apart? Why can't the good stay, well, good long enough to enjoy it? And if we know life is bound to fall apart, WHAT IS THE POINT? Life is a mess. I'm a mess. And I'm willing to bet I'm not the only one. 

So, why does life always seem to fall apart? I read Ecclesiastes 3:11 this morning which says, "He has made everything beautiful in its time. He has also set eternity in the human heart; yet no one can fathom what God has done from beginning to end." Life is painful and falls apart because we were't made for this life. We were made for so much more. In our hearts lies a longing for eternity. When life falls apart, I'm reminded of what I was created for; what my heart longs for. I don't understand why I experience pain- but I do know that there is purpose in my pain. A purpose that I cannot begin to fathom. Isaiah 55:9 says, "As the heavens are higher than the earth, so are my ways higher than your ways and my thoughts than your thoughts." Even though I really wish I knew all the whys, I do know that I serve the God who not only knows, but orchestrates it all. Does that make it any less difficult? No, not really. But it does make life worth enduring. 

There are so many beautiful moments in life, but there are also moments when it all falls apart and I'm left wondering what the point of it all is. As I was thinking about that last week, Romans 8:28 came to mind, "And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose." The answer is almost painfully simple. God works ALL things together for good. "Good" is not be confused with my worldly definition of good. It doesn't mean fairytale ending or happily ever after- at least not on this side of eternity. Good means eternal good. The ending will be perfect- just as God has designed. But for now, we have to endure a few bumps and bruises for God's plan to be complete. 

So, yeah. I'm a mess. I often feel like I'm doing a lot more harm than good. I'm doubtful. I'm selfish. I'm lazy. Just to name a few. But God does't love me for what I am or what I could be- he loves me because he wants to. I could never begin to earn his love because every gift or calling I have is one he has given me. And yet, he has called me "according to his purpose". I'm a mess- but because of his unfathomable love, I'm a beautiful mess.