Every Excuse in the Book

Tis the season! Well...almost. Our tree is already up and the memories of Christmas past are coming back. Thanksgiving and Christmas were always so much fun. We would travel all over the state visiting family and celebrating the holidays. Dad made every effort to go all out to make memories we would treasure always. And that's what makes this time of year a little harder. Life is so busy and I feel so blessed that I'm usually going too hard and fast to realize how different life is from what it used to be. But the closer the holidays get, the more I recognize how different life is without Dad.
So that's what I was feeling over the weekend. A little sad. But I'm not writing to share my emotions with the world. Instead, I want to share what God did.
I've been reading the Bible since I was 10 years-old. I grew up watching mom read it long before any of us stirred. So for me, it seemed normal. Life is crazy. It always will be. There is no slowing down from this point on. Jesus is worth it. And when I spend time with Him, I don't always walk away feeling warm and fuzzy. But over time, I grow. It's like putting sand in the bucket. It's a slow process, but over time the change becomes evident and even drastic.
So today I woke up a little early as usual. I grabbed my coffee (because coffee makes my time with Jesus that much better) and dove into Psalm. I started in Psalm 119:65 and two verses later BOOM. He's speaking to me. "Before I was afflicted I went astray, but now I obey your word...My eyes fail, looking for your promise; I say, "When will you comfort me?"...Your word is a lamp to my feet and a light for my path." (119:67, 82, 105) When life is smooth, it's easy to wander off. We compromise a little here, slack off there. That's what trials are for. They keep us focused on what life is all about: living for the King. When I'm in pain, I call out to God for help, and even though He doesn't always take my pain away, He draws he close to himself and loves me. He teaches me discipline and perseverance. And then I was reminded of what some of God's promises to me are via the sermon on Sunday morning. Promises like "he will never leave you" (Deut 31:6), "When you pass through the waters, I will be with you" (Isa 43:2), and "surely I am with you always" (Matt 28:20). The idea is that no matter what we face, good or bad, God is there. These promises are easy to memorize, but apart from spending time with God personally, this knowledge will remain in your head and never penetrate your heart. Sunday morning isn't enough. Group Bible studies aren't enough. Think about it, you can't really get to know someone on a deeper level in a group setting. You must spend time with them talking one-on-one. Why should we treat God any different?
2 Corinthians 6:1-2, "As God's fellow workers we urge you not to receive God's grace in vain. For he says, "In the time of my favor I heard you, and in the day of salvation I helped you." I tell you, now is the time of God's favor, now is the day of salvation." God wants to offer his children so much. But we put it off using every excuse in the book. God doesn't say "tomorrow" or "when you feel like it" or "someday". He says NOW.

Vision & Passion

Growing up, good grades in school came very easily. As long as I read the lesson or listened to the lecture, and "A" was almost always guaranteed. I had made lower grades before, but a little extra work and the grade would be pulled back up. Then came a dreaded day. I brought home a "B". I promised to study and do better. Then, I came home with ANOTHER "B". Mom and Dad weren't over the top stern or angry, but they expected us to do our best. And anything other than an "A" wasn't our best. Following this second low grade, mom and dad conferred in their room the next afternoon. I was scared to death. Would I be grounded? From what? For how long?
They called me in and closed the door. This was it. Life as I knew it was over. They didn't ground me, they did worse: required me to spend exactly an hour every school day studying AFTER I had finished my regular school work. NOOOO!!! This was the end.
For the next two years, I was made to study at the allotted time. Low and behold! I made great grades. My first year in high school, I was no longer timed. Yet, I would spend anywhere between 1-3 hours studying. Who would've guessed that Mom and Dad actually knew what they were talking about.
There is a legitimate purpose for me sharing this story. I have been walking with Christ for almost 12 years now and studying His Word since I was 10 years-old. It's been one beautiful adventure and journey after the next. But this past summer, I started to plateau. Something was missing. I was still studying the Bible. Still striving to live according to it. But I lacked something. And up until now I haven't been ready or willing to take the next step. That step is prayer.
The world is filled with pastors and Christians that have a great knowledge of the Word. But even Satan quotes chunks of the Old Testament to Jesus when He fasted for 40 days. We know so much. Can define all the fancy terms. Can plan some astounding programs. But where is the vision? Where is the passion? When I say vision I don't mean man made plan, I mean God breathed design. And when I say passion, I certainly do not mean emotion that rises and falls like waves, but a fire that blazes continually within and spreads like wildfire. This vision and this passion can only come through prayer to the Author and Perfecter of our faith.
Now, I have a confession. There are times when I completely loath sitting still and trying to pray for more than ten minutes at a time. It's tedious and boring and I don't have time for it! But I decided to force myself to sit still and think of something to pray for. The first few times were tedious, like when my parents "forced" me to study an hour a day. As time has gone on, however, it's gotten both easier and pleasurable. It turns out that when I discipline myself in both studying and prayer, both become easier and even enjoyable. My favorite time to pray is driving alone in my car. I do a lot of driving throughout the week and when I arrive at my destination, I'm kind of disappointed that that time has come to a close. So if you ever drive past me and I appear to be talking to myself, have no fear. I'm not going insane.
Just today, I was driving home from an errand and felt the urge to pray for a friend for some things they might be feeling and experiencing. Then tonight, I was talking with them asking what they were up to and they explained that God had put something on their heart. The same something I had been praying about. And this thought came into their mind about the time I was praying. Coincidence? I would hardly say so.
Christians today should seek more than just a nice verse to warm their hearts. They should seek a vision from the Lord and a passion for it. It may be a vision for this week, or a lifetime plan. Either way, we can't know the Lord's will unless we truly seek it.

Blessed by My Burdens

Both July 9th and the one year anniversary of my blog came and went without a new post or update. I've been trying to sort through the feelings and experiences surrounding these two notable events. 

For the past few months I've really struggled with the thought of my dad being gone for a year. It hasn't felt like a year. A month maybe. Even a day. Sometimes it feels like it happened an hour ago. But not a year. Mentally, I built that date up in my mind. I both dreaded its coming as well as anticipated its end. A year of firsts is gone. It's relieving and unsettling.

If you've never faced a loss like this, I can't truly explain my actions or emotions. But they're not crazy and they're very real. The week before July 9th, 2014 was much harder than the actual anniversary. I missed him badly. I didn't want to let go of the past. Didn't want to move on from the "should've beens" and the old "normals". 

The truth is, I have a new normal. My house is filled with two sisters, a mom, and a stinky little brother. I'm fatherless. I'm weaker than I thought I was. This is my new normal. I no longer look at the past with fingers crossed, praying for just one more day with him. Just one more hug. I've embraced God's plan for me. It's not most people's "normal" but it's God's providence. 

I had a thought the other day that's given me hope. I have been through the loss of a close loved one. I  have survived it and grown through it. Dad faced different kinds of pain and loss, but never the death of a loved one. I get to grow and trust God in a different way than my dad ever could. I reached the brink of despair in a way he never could and felt such victory and triumph with a joy he could never experience simply because he wasn't blessed with this kind of suffering. 

Yes, I just said BLESSED. 

I could spend the rest of my life wishing to have my daddy back. And I could squander the rest of my days clinging to the past. But if this trial had never taken place, I wouldn't be who I am today. I wouldn't be ME. Our experiences, and most importantly our reactions to them, make us who we are. I am more humbled, yet more strengthened. I am more dependent on Christ, yet fiercely independent of the world. I have reached rock bottom, yet have felt God's overflowing grace as I rise to the top. I can sympathize with people in a way I never could before. This is who God is creating me to be. I'm not complete yet. I mean, I'm still breathing so there's still much to learn and much to be done. My faith, my attitude, and my life has been altered all because of God's perfect, though often painful, plan.