An Attitude of Gratitude

This week has been a roller-coaster of emotions. One minute I feel on top of the world, the next minute there's an emptiness  in my heart. And the pain won't go away. I wonder when it will go away, how I can make it stop. Memories flood my mind and I am consumed with the past. I am more than reliving it. I am desperate to stay trapped in it. I don't want to move on.
But there's one problem. That's not living. That's just not dying. Think about it; just because I'm alive day to day doesn't mean I'm truly living life. Just going through the motions. And I want it to stop. I WANT OUT! I WANT TO LIVE!
But how? First, I had to realize the problem. I'm selfish. I'm weak. And the solution is...what?
A precious friend gave me a book this week called "One Thousand Gifts" by Ann Voskamp. And it has helped me realize how to live again. Truly live.
Consider the Fall  of Man. What happened? The "Sunday School answer" is man disobeyed God. At the root of that disobedience, however, was ingratitude. Man wasn't really grateful with what God had given him. It wash't enough. He wanted MORE.
I wanted more. I want a Dad on earth. I want a perfect life. And I want my relationship with Jesus to fit in a comfortable little box on the sidelines.
Wait a minute, where in the Bible is the word "comfort" used to describe our relationship with Jesus? Simple! It isn't. Instead Jesus says "Take up thy cross and follow me." That cross isn't nice and sanded down or floating on a cloud to ease the weight. No. That cross is heavy and painful and we are called to follow Jesus through mountains and valleys. And you know what? I wouldn't want it any other way. Because when I am weak, He gives me strength. When I am hopeless, He gives me hope. When I am lost, He leaves all others to bring me back home. And I am grateful.
I have so much to be grateful for, but this past week, I was lost in the past. I didn't want to be grateful, I wanted to have the perfect, imaginary life. But it wasn't fulfilling. It was empty.
I am grateful for this house I've lived in for eight years, and get to keep living in. I'm grateful for siblings who make me laugh and help me grow in Christ. I am especially grateful for my mother. Because I can't imagine many other women handling this the way she has. She hasn't stopped living. I know I can always depend on her, not because she is strong, but because she wakes up early every morning to spend time with her strong Savior. I'm eternally grateful for friends and our church family who have yet to leave our sides. I'm grateful I had fifteen fantastic years with the most godly man I know. I can't keep living is those memories, but I certainly will never forget them.
Yes, there are moments when I try to be grateful and the loss still cuts like a knife. I know, however, that my Shepard will bring me home safely. And I can keep living, truly living, in a fulfilling gratitude.