Grieving and Caring Part 1

This blog is going to be a part 1 or 2...or more if I feel God lead me to. I want to dedicate this one to the grieving. Whether you've lost someone recently, or decades ago, I hope you will be able to relate to this in someway or another.
When you lose someone you love, something happens in your heart. When they leave, it's like a chunk of you heart is ripped out with their passing. And you're left with a gaping wound. At first it bleeds a lot, it hurts, it's so fresh. When Dad went home, I woke up the next morning and felt like I was walking through a fog. What do I do next? How do I keep living? How can I find a new normal? So I got outside and ran. As I ran throughout my hometown, it felt like a ghost town. I wondered, was it always like this in the morning? Or was this the first time I'd noticed? It was so quiet and strange. I looked up at the perfect blue sky and it seemed almost cruel. The only man in my life was gone, yet the world just kept turning like nothing happened. One minute I wanted to laugh because I knew God would provide. The next moment I would burst into tears, because how could I keep living?
So I tried to pretend nothing had happened. I wanted everything to go back to normal. I wanted to go to Wednesday night church with friends, babysit all week long, and go to Sunday morning worship and sing in the choir. If I kept living life like I had before, maybe nothing would seem different. Maybe I wouldn't hurt so much.
But that's not how it works.
So instead, I chose the other extreme. I fought the normal flow of things. Summer was easy because I felt free and flexible and able to cope with the pain. But then school started. A new routine. Without my daddy. Without his white car squeaking into the driveway or his keys jingling when he opened the door or his elephant footsteps pounding through the house. NO! This isn't what I had in mind, God! The first month, I dragged through every school day. I all but counted down the days until summer 2014. I was in zombie mode. Life pushed me through but I refused to live.
Some people told me to let go of the past so I could move forward. No. I couldn't let go of the past. But I had to stop living in it. I had to stop wishing with every breath I took for things to go back to how they used to be.
So instead, I used the past to guide me to my future. Through my dad's death, I learned more about him. More that I want to be. He was a man of deep integrity, loyalty, and he always strived to be the best he could in Christ. I couldn't let go of the past, but I could use it to mold my future. I could be more like my dad.
Everything that has happened is helping, even now, to make me who God wants me to be. Every tear I shed, every painstaking step I've taken, is drawing me closer to the cross. It's making me who I am. I am learning that I am a writer- I love what I do. I am a protecter- I look out for those I love. I am weak- I have a God who is oh so strong. And I don't have to drag through everyday because sometimes I just need to lay my head on my Father's shoulder and let Him carry me.
So for the grieving, your roller coater of emotions is normal. It's ok to laugh one minute and bawl your eyes out the other. It's ok to feel empty and weary, let God strengthen you. Whether it's the perfect day or the hardest day, dwell in Him.